When Hubby and I got pregnant we knew that we would want to find out the sex of the baby. I mean, sure, we flip flopped around the idea of leaving it as a surprise (the biggest and only real surprise in life according to many) but ultimately we knew that our eager personalities wouldn’t allow for this.
I honestly had no feelings as to what I was having. Some mothers instinctively know. I was having a great pregnancy with little or no morning sickness – old wives tales would point towards boy. I looked up the gender online using a ‘Chinese Gender Predicter’ – which said I was having a girl. My (significant) baby bump was pointy and grew outwards – another sign of a boy. Hubby was convinced we were having a girl and that he would be outnumbered by me, Baby girl and Sammie. So really, I had no idea.
When people asked if I preferred one over the other – I answered honestly and said it didn’t matter as long as the baby was healthy. And I meant this – really! We just wanted a healthy happy baby.
Deep down inside, hidden in a dark little crevice (behind the craving I had for buying ridiculously expensive handbags) was the teensy inkling of the thought that I kind of…just a little…preferred a girl over a boy.
There! I said it.
I don’t know if it was a superficial want (I could dress her up in cute little girl clothes, we could play with makeup, I could take her to high tea) or if it was simply because I am a girl and I would be able to relate to her better. All I know is, the seed was there.
When the big day finally came and we found out we were having a boy – I was elated! I was so happy just to know. I could already start imagining him – would he have his daddy’s hazel eyes? Would he have my superloud laugh? Would he like cars like daddy and granddad?
That hidden part of me that didn’t want to admit it was slightly disappointed. And I felt tremendous guilt over this. Was I a bad person for not being as excited as if we were going pink vs. blue? Shouldn’t I just be happy we were having a healthy child? I never admitted this feeling to anybody because it was unspeakable to be feeling this way when I knew how hard it was for some couples to even conceive. I definitely didn’t take for granted the fact we were lucky enough to be even having a baby, at the same time I think its healthy to be honest with your own feelings. We all know nobody’s perfect and my seedling of a little bit of disappointment was a definite ‘Im no star’ moment.
However, as the pregnancy went on the feeling diminished and faded until all I could feel was overwhelming excitement coupled with a large helping of impatience. I just wanted to meet him already!
When Baby H was born – nothing could prepare me for how much I would love him and how much all of those feelings from before would be reduced to absolute nothingness. I’ve read a quote somewhere that says something along the lines of when you have a baby, your heart lives outside of you. Or something to that effect. It is completely true – he is my entire heart in a living, breathing (not so little) body full of spark!
I can honestly say now that there is nothing better than seeing his huge toothy grin, the rough and tumble way he loves to playfight, his constant run-on sentences in baby babble. And most of all – when he says ‘mama’ (and means it)! I just can’t imagine him being any other way but himself and now I know for certain that whether girl or boy, pink or blue…at the end of the day you realize you’ve created an entire little person and that is entirely too much to handle 🙂